Achieving Balance

In a few months I will celebrate my 59th birthday.  One would think that in the span of that many years, I would have gained wisdom about living.  The challenge is that the internal battle that rages within can create barriers to the impartation of wisdom, or more specifically to the implementation of what the wisdom is telling us.  Although I have recognized for several years the imbalance that my inner battle has caused, dis-empowering it and releasing it has been another story.  Perhaps you can relate to my struggle.  If not personally then chances are that there is someone in your life that can.
 

First I recognize that the roots of this battle go way back to my childhood - the need to please, the need to be perfect, the need to excel at whatever I do.  Simply being "good" was not enough.  I had to be great.  That message was being received by me from a very influential source in my life, my dad.  I understand more than I ever have before that this was done through his own understanding of his role as my dad - to propel me into the maximum of my abilities, to achieve all of which I was capable.  With fair certainty I assume that this was how he was raised and what he understood.  There is forgiveness and compassion in that comprehension on my part.  However, even with that understanding, it is still difficult to release a way of life that has been mine for over half a century.  (Goodness, that is a long time!)
 

Recently I have written a few posts that deal with several of these issues.  I am working through my life-long roots that have resulted in my living a driven life.  The complication is that so many well-known Christian writers have made being driven for the Lord an essential component to living a kingdom-focused life.  When someone like myself hears those messages, it becomes justification to continue to drive oneself unrelentingly.  I must be Driven by Eternity (John Bevere) or live a Purpose Driven Life (Rick Warren).  I must live with audacious faith (Sun Stand Still Steven Furtick) accomplishing the impossible.  All of these messages feed the imbalance that has ruled me all of my life.  I am not saying that these messages are not powerful and important; I am saying that they must be received with balance and discernment.  That is difficult for someone who lives life with achievement as the measuring stick.
 

The crucial question is what does the Lord say about these things in the Word?  Consider Psalm 127:1-2  A song for the ascent to Jerusalem. A psalm of Solomon. Unless the LORD builds a house, the work of the builders is useless. Unless the LORD protects a city, guarding it with sentries will do no good.  It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones.  This is only one reference but for me it is so powerful.  Unless the Lord is directing me to do what I am doing, then my efforts are in vain.  Catch that third sentence?  It is USELESS to work so hard.  Ouch!  You mean, Lord, not by my efforts?  How about confirmation from Zechariah 4:6 Then he said to me, "This is what the LORD says to Zerubbabel: It is not by force nor by strength, but by my Spirit, says the LORD Almighty.  Then of course there is that concluding phrase in the psalm quoted above about rest.  Oh, You mean I am supposed to rest, Lord?
 

If I were not to search anywhere else in the Word, these few verses give me a powerful insight into how the Lord wishes me to live life, and I have to be honest, I have not been the most obedient of followers.  I have the mantra that if you try harder, surely it will pay off.  Yet the Lord has been telling me for over 5 years now, that He doesn't give grades.  I have lived with the self- inflicted expectation that A+ performance is all that is acceptable.  I judged myself even when there was no one else around to judge me.  I was (and still am at times) highly self-critical.  Unfortunately there is an underlying influence of that level of self-judgment: one comes to expect others to live up to that same level of excellence.  Guess what?  That is not how mankind operates.  Really, God?  Yes, Janice.
 

So here I am in the summer of my 59th year, evaluating my attitudes about life and the imbalance that I have created.  Yes, I know that others have contributed to my deep roots, but ultimately the responsibility is mine to walk in a way that honors my Lord.  That means that I really need to understand what honors Him and what does not.  My trying to accomplish everything that is barely within my reach is not honoring Him.  That attitude essentially demonstrates that I am trying to maintain an image predicated upon what others think about me.  I know in my deepest know-er that all that matters is what my Lord thinks about me.  Walking in that knowledge though is going to take some changing.
 

Where does one start?  For me, it is allowing myself the time to do something that I enjoy that does not benefit anyone else or even for that matter the kingdom.  I hope that doesn't sound selfish to you.  It has to me for decades.  I am coming to understand though that if I am stressed to the max and subsequently very "empty" then I am of limited use to anyone, especially to my Lord.  This may sound trivial to you, but I have allowed myself to read some fiction books this summer.  I am selective, but I have come to understand that this allows me to come to the work that I do for the kingdom with a more relaxed attitude which actually enables me to hear His voice more clearly.  I don't feel that I have to make every minute of the day productive.  That has been a struggle for a variety of reasons, but one is guilt that my husband works very hard every day at a very stressful job.  I get to sit at my computer taking care of business (home, church, my own ministry) without anyone making demands on me. 
 

In addition, I recognize that God has blessed me with a most extraordinary partner in life.  How ungrateful of me to not take time to enjoy this gift that I have been given.  So now we are taking time to get away and are kayaking and camping.  The time in my kayak has been so refreshing.  I am excited about getting in it more.  There is no "purpose" other than enjoying God's most marvelous creation and the company of my precious husband, alone time to nurture our gift.  Yet I can see His purpose in all of this.  He is drawing me into more intimacy with Him and a growing dependence on His strength and not mine.  These may seem like small changes to you, insignificant at best, but to me they are huge.
Whether this message is for you or someone that you know, I pray that you will receive His calling to go deeper and release all of the worldly affairs that pull you away from Him.  He does promise rest; He does promise direction.  I will close with my life verse:  Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.  Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.   Shalom