The Selfishness of Unforgiveness

All of us, without exception, have had to struggle with forgiving someone for hurting us. It is not the simple acceptance of an apology offered; it is a heart matter. Sometimes the hurt is deep and the wound was recurring, but still we must deal with true forgiveness if we want to move on. So we look at ourselves and we rationalize this is "my issue"; I'll handle it as soon as I can manage it. Sometimes that is sooner, and sometimes it is much later. However for many people they continue to believe, it is "my issue" and it doesn't involve anyone else. The truth of the matter is that unforgiveness impacts everyone that comes in contact with the individual who harbors it. Unforgiveness is a root that buries itself deep into the heart and spirit of an individual and it begins to poison life all around it.

Let us first consider what the Word tells us. In Ephesians 4:30-32 we read, "And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." We are instructed to put away all behaviors that would reflect the opposite of walking in Christ's love and forgiveness. After all that is what He demonstrated and gave to us. Yet suppose that due to the hurt we experienced, we decide to cling to that unforgiveness because we are not quite ready to let go. What are the consequences?

Examine first the inner circle of those that we love, our family. They live with our unforgiveness for the individual(s) whenever they are around us. They hear it in our language and see it in our body language. If they choose to forgive the person(s) involved, we put them in a conflicting position of trying to love us and yet still walk in love with the other person(s). Tension is created in the atmosphere which of course is the adversary's breeding ground for discord and dissension. Jesus himself told us (Luke 11:17) "a house divided against itself shall fall." There is no genuine peace whenever the unforgiveness is present.

Examine the outer circle of friends who feel obligated to choose because of known or stated feelings on the subject. Often there is an almost unspoken ultimatum: choose your side! Look what was done to me. If I cannot forgive them, how can you? The poison begins to spread. Remember that the adversary is the master liar of all time. He certainly isn't changing his methods at this late date. Unforgiveness is one of his most successful tools in keeping individuals from reaping the benefits of being children of redemption.

Thus the deep root of unforgiveness winds it way through the soil and on the surface it begins to suffocate the once beautiful vegetation of relationships. Like sucker vines on once healthy trees, it penetrates the bark and vaporizes life-giving juices from love-filled relationships, separating the individual from the source of true life. In Colossians 3:12-13, we are further instructed, "Therefore as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do."

Therein is the most important aspect of the selfishness of unforgiveness. We think it is all about "my issue" when in reality it is totally about what Christ did for us. How incredibly egotistical of us. How can we withhold our forgiveness when Christ did not withhold His from us? How can we think that whatever was done to us, whatever happened to us, holds a candle to what Jesus Christ bore on the cross for our own personal forgiveness? Did He for even one second say, “Well, Janice, let me think about this for a little while and see if I want to forgive you for what you are going to do that is nailing me to this cross?” I cringe even considering that thought. No, in Matthew 6:14-15, Jesus was very clear about forgiveness. "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive you."

Do not consider the harshness of that statement at this moment, although all of us must at some point reconcile ourselves with the consequences of what unforgiveness will cost us on the Day of Judgment. Instead I want you to consider how you tie the hands of the Lord in working in your life. You are His Beloved. He battles for your heart every single day that you are still on this earth breathing. Yet as long as you hold unforgiveness in your heart, you block His ability to work in your life. You are choosing to grieve the Holy Spirit and that makes the daily battle so much more difficult.

Choose forgiveness. Choose the peace that surpasses human understanding. Release your family and your friends, but most importantly release the power of forgiveness in your own life as you watch the incredible healing of Holy Spirit work as you become “the elect of God” in everything that you do, with everyone in your life.