The Bittersweet - Saying Goodbye

On July 31st my Dad passed away.  Four years ago Mom unexpectedly passed with no warning.  In less than 2 weeks, my sisters, our families and I will gather to pay tribute to them both and lay their ashes to rest together.  There is an indescribable finality to this that is indeed bittersweet.  No matter when death occurs, it has an impact on us.  Whether the death is sudden or after a long illness, losing someone you love simply stated is difficult.  Yet there is a celebration when you know that the one you love is now standing in the presence of our Lord and experiencing a joy that we can only imagine.  Indeed we try to imagine them in glorified bodies worshipping and loving in heavenly ways.

For me, I imagine the anguish and pain that often haunts us in our earthly bodies vanishing and the instant vaporization of the cares of this world freeing those that I love.  No longer bound by the hurts inflicted throughout lifetimes; no longer limited in joy because of the past; no longer frustrated by the lack of understanding.  I know unquestionably that both of my parents are in fact experiencing a divine love that they could not know on this earth.  I try to imagine them worshipping together in heaven and can only comprehend the merest glimpse of that.  However they are there and we are here.  What does this parting mean for us?

The death of a loved one, particularly a parent, is multifaceted in its impact.  Yesterday I drafted the eulogy for my dad and in the process was able to view his entire life as the passage of seasons.  I recognized his humanity and the reality of the struggles of it.  I could see him as a man, a person, outside of his role as my dad.  There were many events that occurred that shaped who he was and how he handled life.  In the language of John Eldredge's Sacred Romance, his life interpretations shaped his responses and those interpretations were passed down to his daughters.  While the consequences were not always the most desirable, they were the result of all that had occurred in his life up to that moment.  As long as a person is still present in our midst, we continue to feel those influences even if subtly.  How does the passing of that person now impact us and our lives?

 First I believe we must choose life.  Embracing the reality of eternity and understanding that as long as we are still here on this earth, we have an opportunity to "store up our treasures" in heaven, we can make a conscious decision to retain that which is good, that which is beneficial and release the rest of the stuff that is not.  Philippians 4:8-9 And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned from me and heard from me and saw me doing, and the God of peace will be with you.  Each of us has been left a legacy - not only from our parents but from Christ Himself.  We can make the choice to dwell on the positive legacy and not the negative.

For many individuals, the passing of a parent provides just that opportunity.  No longer are you reminded by words spoken or behaviors that everything was not perfect when you were growing up.  The past can be left there and we can move forward into the future each day bringing with us the best of our past and leave the rest behind.  One thing that has become abundantly clear to me is that every family has had its issues.  Very few families were perfect and praise the Lord for those of you who believe yours were.  The more I work with people and pray with people I gain a clearer perspective on the goodness that was in my life throughout my life.  Yes, there were difficulties and certainly my personal response to them was my responsibility.  I made many mistakes and will continue to do so - unfortunately!  I also recognize that the life interpretations of my parents shaped the person I was in making those decisions.  Yet each of us has the choice to start fresh and with the passing of a parent we can make that decision in a most positive and loving light.  Thank you, Mom and Dad for all that you did on my behalf.  I choose to receive that with love and gratitude. 

2 Corinthians 5:17-20 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation, that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation.  Now then, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were pleading through us: we implore you on Christ's behalf, be reconciled to God. Not only are we new creations because of Christ, we are to be ministers of reconciliation.  On a very personal level that begins in our families.  Reconciliation is grounded in forgiveness.  God forgave us and we must forgive others.  He has mandated that in multiple places in scripture (check them out).  When we make reconciliation our priority it frees us from the shackles of hurt, resentment, bitterness, etc.  Forgiveness however is a two way street; sometimes we must ask forgiveness of those we have hurt.  I know how important that is because I have experienced what unspoken unforgiveness can do to destroy relationships.  

Being a minister of reconciliation requires action on our part.  Taking the best of our past and releasing the other takes action on our part.  Walking as a new creation takes action on our part.  Honoring our parents as our parents without hanging a noose of guilt around their necks takes action on our part.  In other words, it comes back to that whole choice concept again.  We must choose the path that we will walk, especially in saying goodbye.  The finality of both parents now being gone has many implications.  No more quick phone calls.  No more checking in to see how one is doing.  No more celebration of birthdays and gathering of the clan for that purpose.  Gathering as a family will now become very intentional and will require commitment and planning on everyone's part.  When my mother passed, we all felt as if the glue that held us together was gone.   However we shifted and the uniting factor was assisting one of my sisters with the care of our dad, gathering for his birthdays,  etc.  Now he is gone too.  What will hold us together?

Yes the impact of death is multifaceted yet we can choose to allow that impact to weigh on the side of good and not bad.  It is a choice.  Saying goodbye is never easy, but it is necessary.  My prayer is that we will allow this event to move us to the next level of each of our lives, unconditionally loving each other and those around us.  Shalom.