The Repercussions of the Arrows

Vulnerability and transparency are two gifts that you all have given to me by reading this blog.  Through your presence in my life, you have permitted me the luxury, albeit sometimes painful, to pay attention to the more subtle messages from Holy Spirit in my life.  Today, I venture forth into murky waters.  This is a bit of a detour from my usual postings, but I truly believe that this will be revelation for some of you and perhaps confirmation for others.  

I am currently leading a passionate group of ladies in a study of John Eldredge's and Brent Curtis' book Sacred Romance.  In the course of this study we are exploring those things in our lives which have kept us from the ultimate romance with our lover, God.  Whether male or female it is critical that you perceive yourself as the Beloved of God.  We are the Bride of Christ after all.  However, the adversary (a polite title for Satan) works very hard to break up this romance by shooting arrows into our hearts from the time we are children.  These arrows all have messages, lies, wrapped around them that become embedded into our hearts.  This is the third time that I am working through this study and the accompanying workbook.  Each time, the revelation into my life has been deeper and more transforming.  This past Friday was no exception.  The revelation was so powerful that I am lead to share it with all of you and pray that you will also receive some insight into your own lives.  


From the Sacred Romance Workbook, page 44: The things we do to protect and preserve our hearts usually end up hurting us more.  To choose to shut your heart to love - so that you won't be hurt - is to deny the very thing you are made for.  This is really larger than simply "love".  If we simply consider the love aspect from our limited understanding than we will miss the significance of what we do.  As I read this statement and began to meditate on it, the Lord revealed something astounding to me.  Permit me to share a bit of the past with you so that you can understand better.  I recalled an incident in my life when I was in elementary school - maybe 3rd - 4th grade. It was my birthday and traditionally my parents took my sisters and me to our local clubhouse for a birthday dinner. One of my sisters' birthday had been the month before and they had surprised her with a cake after dinner at the club. I was excited about that for me, but I wanted it to be a surprise like it was for her. So in trying to manufacture a true "surprise" I kept saying to my family that I did not want a cake at the dinner. Guess what happened. My parents were torn by my words and did not know what to do, so the cake stayed in the trunk of the car until we got home and I was incredibly disappointed.

A pattern developed for life - avoid disappointment by shutting down expectations. Sadly I see that I still do that today. Even with God. I live life saying "God, do whatever you want to with my life" when in reality what I am saying is "God, I don't want to be disappointed when life turns out differently than I expected. So I therefore don't expect you to do anything miraculously wonderful in my life. I certainly am not going to ask you for anything....."  God basically said to me, "You don't trust Me to not disappoint you like others have.  Yet the love I have for you is like no one else's."  I was stunned to realize that what He was saying was true.  I DO trust God with my life and I do totally submit and surrender to Him, but what I was lacking was the belief that if I asked Him for the desires of my heart, He would give them to me.  It is so much easier to live a life of total complacency in which I simply say, "God do whatever You want with my life. I am totally cool with that."  But what if God is waiting for me to take an initiative and ask Him?  

One of the exercises in the workbook is to write down something that you would secretly love to do if there were no restraints whatsoever to your request.  For 2 years I have been unable to answer that question.  Then this time for the first time, I was able to actually put something down that was extraordinary and wonderful.  What had stopped me from being able to do that before?  Perhaps it was this core belief that if I created an expectation in my life, it would not happen and I would be disappointed - again.   I came to the conclusion that I am living a life that is filled with conflicting beliefs.  I love the surprises God brings into my life - like my precious husband Glen (I had not asked God for Him. :-)).  Yet I was living a life that only allowed room for God to surprise me, not for me to step out in faith and ask Him to be extraordinary in my life.

Sadly, I also came to realize that this belief had surfaced in other areas of my life.  I was willing to settle for whatever came my way and was not willing to venture out there and  expect my relationships to be extraordinary as well.  I was shortchanging the people in my life to be able to bless me and travel with me in this extraordinary adventure called living.  The message I had embraced and let direct my life was this:  don't expect and therefore avoid disappointment and hurt.  Does that sound like a message that came from the Lord?  I realized suddenly that this was a message from the other side that was designed to limit my relationship with the Lord and with everyone else in my life.

This may or may not resonate with you. But this is what is being revealed to me about the impact of early arrows in my life. Each arrow landed in about the same place which ultimately led me to the conclusion that life is just going to happen no matter what I try to do about it. If I try to help it out, it will simply be more screwed up than ever.  Through the grace of our incredible Lord, who does not want me to settle in this life, I am venturing forth.  Baby steps at first, but I know that He is with me and leading me.  I was able to spend a few hours sharing with Glen this breakthrough revelation and that is already shifting our marriage from beautiful and wonderful into the phenomenal, extraordinary range.  Trusting God and trusting others in our lives is an ongoing process, but it is one that I now intend to passionately pursue ~ with GREAT EXPECTATIONS!  I hope that you are as well.