Looking Back

Certain times in our lives automatically cause us to pause and survey our past, considering the decisions we have made and the roads those decisions have taken us down. This past weekend was one of those reflection times for me. The occasion was my 35th college reunion; a time of getting reacquainted with old friends and classmates as well as forming new bonds even at this late stage. Such an occasion gives us an opportunity to ponder the values that were important to us then and the ones that have emerged as fundamental to us now. We listen as others share what has transpired in their lives and again reflect on challenges, blessings and the very aspects of life that have brought us together again over distance and time.

Indulge me as I share one precious moment from this past weekend. We celebrated the return of a particular alum that initiated a standing ovation from all of us. This precious woman was from the class of 1933. She walked from the back of the auditorium escorted on either side by her two sons who were also alums. She enthusiastically shook a pom-pom of our school colors on the end of her cane. Realize that this delightful lady went to college in an era when women were not exactly encouraged to do so. I do not know much about her except that she sparked incredible admiration from all of us that day for her smile and her spirit. I'll do the math for you; she is probably 97 or 98 years old. Imagine the twists and turns her life has taken since 1933 and what she has experienced....

When I arrived on my college campus in 1970 as a wide-eyed freshman, I had no idea what was about to happen over the next 4 years not to mention the next 40. The decisions that I made one by one altered my life's direction dramatically, yet no one could have convinced me that it was happening at the time. Sometimes life becomes a runaway tractor trailer on the down side of a mountain running a course of its own that has so much momentum we can no longer control it. Sadly the time to control it was much earlier, but we weren't paying attention then to the consequences of the decisions we were making. Each decision, each step farther along that road takes us further in a direction that is often far from the one that we thought we had chosen.

I was decades from choosing a life with the Lord. I knew of Him yet He was not the Lord of my life. There was no personal relationship with Him in my life; in fact I did not even know that such a thing was a possibility. I knew an autocratic, hierarchical God. That was the God to whom I directed formalized prayers. Yet somewhere deep inside my soul, I knew something different. I did not know how to describe it and I did not know how to live it. I did know that "out there somewhere" He was expecting something from me. It was like a feather that tickled my soul every now and then. Sadly it was not something that I could talk with anyone about and there was no one in my life that was experiencing anything like it. I would feel it and would turn in my spirit to see what was there. But I did not know what I was looking for, hence I could not find it on my own. I plodded along in the Woods of Life, lost and not on His path.

The beauty of His love for me is that He wasn't lost; I was. He knew all along exactly where I was and He continued to woo me in spite of my actions and my decisions. I could almost hear the words that I now know He was whispering to me, "It is OK. We will use all of this in due time. All of this pain, all of this hurt. All of these mistakes. I will waste nothing that you have been through. Don't give up on yourself and don't stop listening for Me. I am here. I promise." I can look back now and know that it was Him so many times. His voice that kept me going when I thought I would give up and did not. His voice that kept me thinking straight when everything around me was so dark I could not see. His voice that promised peace someday.

How many quotes have you read that in essence remind us that life is not easy and life is not fair? They are all true, but there are equally as many quotes to remind us that it is our attitude that will make the difference in how we choose to see our lives and what we have been given in life with which to work. I can paint a hundred pictures for you about life and what you can do with it. I can tell you in detail about the valleys and mountains of my life and those of the people that I know and love. None of that matters when it comes to thinking about each 24 hours we have been given to live. I did some more math; it has been over 340,000 hours since I set forth on the campus of Gettysburg College as a freshman. What would my accounting to the Lord be like for all of that time that He had given to me on this earth? I shudder to think of the time that I have wasted.

Then I hear that gentle loving voice again. "Don't waste more time by looking back. Did I not promise you that we would use everything?" Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." I have a purpose, me, Janice. Everything that I have been through whether as a result of my actions or someone else's will work towards that purpose. It is His promise to me. I am already seeing fruits of that promise through my book, through the people that He has placed in my path, even through this blog. It is a process. I know that unquestionably. It is not a destination. There is only one destination and that is eternity with Him. Until that moment comes, it is a journey that I am traveling and if I spend too much time looking back, it will hinder my forward movement. Looking back is valuable because it helps me to see how far I have come. But then I must turn back around and head forward again. I must keep my eyes on the finish line and endure until the very end. Whether I have another 340,000 hours or just 24. I want to live them in a way that I will be honored to stand before my Lord and tell Him that I have done my best to live out my purpose for Him.